Updates + Bucknell

The small amount of confidence I had built up over the last month is basically back to square one. I haven't attempted a real run since May 24th. That week I did a few runs of about 3 miles each with one run of almost 4 miles. I remember my body reacting badly to that 4 miler in the days following, despite feeling pretty good about it at the time and immediately afterwards. It's all starting to boil down to a lack of confidence in my body's ability to bounce back and react the way I'd expect it to-- even with severely lowered expectations. I'm determined to keep doing my exercises and keep breaking up the scar tissue in there. My desire to go running is there, no doubt, but I know I can't do it or at least don't want to risk inflicting another setback upon myself. I'm afraid to go outside and run. I spent my first 4 waking hours yesterday in an awful mental loop where I'd want to go outside and try running only to reel myself back in and not do anything.

I had a thought yesterday during this perpetual mental looping that my struggles, in many ways, boil down to now knowing what to do when I don't have running in my daily life. It usually gave me such structure to my days. Even now, not being in any kind of shape and not running for about a year, I don't know how to handle it very well.

I am going back to my surgeon at Umass Memorial next week, on Wednesday to be reevaluated. He's going to examine both sides and hopefully come up with some kind of plan. I don't know if this will mean another MRI, an injection, or what, but at least it's something. I feel a little bit ill at the thought of going back there, but it needs to be done.

Also, after 10 days of no PT, I'm going to resume that endeavor. My next appointment there is tomorrow, though I might need to cancel that one and just go next week due to potential work conflicts. That's to be decided later.

I went back to Bucknell for my 5 year reunion last weekend and got to talk to a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. It was an amazing feeling being back there and definitely made me feel very sentimental about teammates and the places we used to frequent. Special shout out there to Stucco, the off campus house that's been the home base for the Bucknell cross country team for the past 19 years. Bucknell has been allowing fewer and fewer people to live off campus (we had this issue to a lesser degree even when I was there) in recent years, and this past Sunday was the day the lease for Stucco ended as no current team members renewed it. It's hard to describe the importance of this place during my time at Bucknell. I'm afraid the words would fall short, but it was more of a shrine than a house in my mind. Though I never lived there, so maybe those who did feel differently about it. It was always the meeting place though, no matter where you lived. No doubt it represented the foundation of our team camaraderie. Beyond that, you really needed to be a member of the Bucknell cross country team for some amount of time between the years of 1996-2015 to really understand what it means. So maybe it's best unsaid. RIP Stucco.

Anyway, I'm going to try and keep my head up and stay positive and keep doing these mindless exercises. Better get to it!

AH